We all learn cliches and sayings in the course of living...but after giving much thought to the more common ones, I have decided that the time has come to rewrite them...with a dose of reality and dash or sarcasm...

Original Quote: My house is your house.
My Quote: My house is off limits.

Original Quote: A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.
My Quote: A bird in the hand...will peck you and fight to escape.

Original Quote: Eat, drink and be merry.
My Quote: Eat, drink and get fat.

Original Quote: The early bird gets the worm.
My Quote: The early bird...needs to roll his ass over and go back to sleep.

Orinigal Quote: Never speak ill of the dead.
My Quote: Never speak ill of...the person who signs your paychecks.

Original Quote: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
My Quote: I have always depended on ...air.

Original Quote: Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
My Quote: Idle hands are...doing nothing.

Original Quote: The love of money is the root of all evil.
My Quote: The love of money is...typical.

Original Quote: Justice is blind.
My Quote: Justice is...rare.

Original Quote: Love the one you're with.
My Quote: Love the one you're...spending the most money on.

Original Quote: Faith is belief in things not yet seen.
My Quote: Faith is belief in things...that probably aren't true.

Original Quote: It takes a village to raise a child.
My Quote: It takes a village to...make an outcast.

Original Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
My Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of ... politics.

Original Quote: Respect your elders.
My Quote: Respect your...limitations.

Original Quote: Can't we all just get along?
My Quote: Can't we all just get... a life?

Original Quote: You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
My Quote: You scratch my back...and I'll fall asleep.

Original Quote: What goes around, comes around.
My Quote: What goes around...can often be cured with penicillin.

Original Quote: Thou shalt not (insert favorite commandment here).
My Quote: Thou shalt not...quote scriptures at me.

Original Quote: Show me the money!
My Quote: GIVE me the money!


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www.bentwiredandstoned.com
Jewelry - because chocolate doesn't last forever...

Hello all. Sorry for my rather long absence but i have been going 100 different directions at once. Mostly I have been writing and working on websites in hopes of somehow making a little green. In the meantime, I am just clinging to that last teeny tiny thread of sanity that means the difference between paychecks and medication at bed check. My big projects at present mainly involve me putting all of my poetry together for a collection for publication and rewrites on my first novel. I hope you are all well. Hang in there, and remember, just because no one else hears the voices in your head doesn't mean they aren't real. The key is to not let your inner devils and demons out-talk the gentler angels in your mind.  Everything else is gravy.

The past week has been just plain crazy! I sat here and counted and in the past week I have managed to nail down all of 18 hours of sleep. How is it that I have insomnia, I know I have insomnia, and yet, here i sit wondering why I am tired....but see my mind is only asking that stupid question because i am slee deprived. It's a viscious cycle.

My primary focus right now is on writing and getting published. I have so many projects i want to finish (not to mention start) and i am trying to get organized. So far I have managed to make a to-do list....i haven't done anything on the list because i am too busy writing the list. I basically need to figure out how to get my organizing process organized so i can get something done. But by trying to get it organized, i am so wrapped it in organizing my organizing that i am getting unorganized. It's a viscious cycle really.

All i am working on now is getting published. I am putting together a poetry collection and I have written a study skills course for all students from about the 6th or 7th grage thru college and I have had a 100 percent success rate in tutoring students with it. So I figure since it is tested and very marketable, given the state of the American public school system, I want to officially publish it and sell it. I have a resume writing course as well.

Oh, I just published my 4th issue of MadCatNip, and i am heady with relief and accomplishment....but that only lasts about a day befoe I have dive back in and get to writing for the next issue. I am having a ton of fun creating it. If you are a creative type, you will not be happy if you aren't creating, so don't waste your time trying to be without praticing your craft, no matter what others might think of it.

Well, i am rambling....i do that when i am tired.....i think it is time for me to pass out. Hope you are all doig ok. Oh, and if you want to check out this week's issue, go to www.madcatplanet.com.

After a totally chaotic week, I have managed to get the third installment of MadCatNip out and devlivered on time! GO ME!!!

In spite of all of my general lunacy I am still here!!! So, I am either doing something right, or my cheese hasn't fallen far enough my cracker. I am averaging about 20 hours of sleep (if that) per WEEK. It's getting a bit special inside of my brain, as my article in this weeks issue will show you.

Sorry gang, but "Stick It In Your Ear" is omitted this week. I have, however tried to compensate for that by...ummm...telling you that it's not there.

If you have any cool, cute or funny cat pics, please feel free to send them to me & they may end up on one of our parents (if there is no caption, you might want to bear in mind that I might take "liberties" and add one (it would only be for humorous purposes).

Also, don't be afraid to e-mail any of our writers using the e-mail addresses on the site.

www.madcatnip.com

My second issue of MadCatNip is published online as of today. You guys can see it at www.catnip.madcatplanet.com. Pass the link on to your friends and have them pass it on, etc. thanks! Hope you guys enjoy it!

OK. So, my health took a bad turn and I ended up having to resign from my job. So I decided to take on a new project. Something worthwhile and fun, that I can do to keep myself from going nuts and maybe make a little something in the the meantime. I am a creative soul...so I decided to create.

I am proud to announce the launch of my very own e-zine. It's all humor and entertainment. I have a website called www.MadCatPlanet.com where people can see the latest in music, movie and entertainment news as well as books, etc. That was all well and good, but I wanted to do something unique. Something that isn't found elsewhere. Enter MadCatNip!  MadCatNip is my new e-zine. All of the content was put together by me, with the exception of "Letters From Kambodia", which is a weekly column written by one of my wonderfully deranged friends. We even have an advice column by Catguin (you'll just have to see it...but I am told it is hilarious. So....my friends, I am sharing my new creation with you. Let me know what you think!

 

Click Here

 

Domed droplets form and move,

Making rivers upon the glass...

Encompassed in massless grays,

Rain slipping on leaves of grass.

 

Anguish reflected in her eyes...

Reflections give way to tears.

Always sad whenever it rains,

An irony she'd know for years.

 

Thunder, torrents and storms

Always worsened as she went mad.

But only she knew her own truth...

It rains because she's sad.

 

 

by River Katt

All Rights Reserved

Hey there! I know I have been invisible girl for a couple of weeks but I am back...for the moemtn anyway. I have been trying to launch a couple of websites, continue working my fulltime job and tyring to keep my body from completely giving out on me. I am exhausted. But I haven't forgotten about my blog or you. So..here are my latest ramblings...and they are all about General Hospital

 

 

 

On a different note...Killing Alan Quartermaine was nothing less than a wholesale bag of pigshit and the Powers that Be at GH and ABC should have the shit kicked out of them for doing it. Better yet, lock their asses up with Craig the psycho. Stupid schmucks. I guess staying power and longevity mean nothing after all. Big shock.

To Stuart Damon,

They are nothing short of idiots for what they have done, and just know that many of us out here will always adore you no matter what. It's not your fault that you had to work for crackheads....or as I like to call them...."shit-slingging-ass-monkeys". You are a legend, a paragon, and a daytime God. Really wreck their programs and go work for CBS on a story that will blow all the others out fo the water. Rake in those Emmy's and when you give your thank you speech, completely "forget" to thank the ass-monkeys who clearly have no idea what talent or respect means. After all, they are letting that fake Lucky hang around and I won't even go into how whiney they have made 99% of the women. Nobody loves a whiner. There will never be another Alan Quartermaine.

 

Mr. Damon,You are still loved.

And to the assmonkeys who are responsible for the MOTHER of all daytime cock-ups, may an 800 pound gorilla make each and everyone of you his bitch. It's bad enough that you kill over 50% of the infants and fetuses that are on your shows, do you have to kill the patriarchs too? I guess if you aren't running around having unprotected sex, getting shot at or shooting at people, or trying to find out if you at the father of someone's child then you should just die. ASSHATS! You've gone this far! now why don't you just come into our homes and give us all some nice paper cuts and pur lemon juice on them......you are cleary on a roll...so why stop now?

All right, I am all for people having faith, believing in God, and so on. I really am. What I am not ok with is people trying to force me to believe what they believe, how they believe, and so on....

 

I have my own set of beliefs. I do believe in a higher power. I do believe in spiritual guardians or angels, and I believe in doing the right thing. I also believe that the creator gave us the power to reason and made each one of us different for a reason. It makes things interesting. If two people are exactly alike and believe the exact same way on everything 100% of the time, then one of those people is unnecessary. 

 

Now, at present, my personal beliefs stem from my baptist upbringing + paganism (christianity is much more pagan than most people realize) + wicca + gnosticism. I believe that most religious books are allegories and parables.

 

 I tend to picture the almighty as a woman. This is because when I imagined the creator as a man, I did not find it soothing nor reassuring. Males have inflicted an amazing amount of misery on me, so this is not a big surprise. When picturing God as a man, he tends to come across to me as an uninvolved, uninterested, and basically a fectless thug.  However, when I picture the almighty as a female, I am able to relax, open myself up and let go. I have been informed in no uncertain terms that this is blasphemy. Which is odd since the bible actually says "God created both man and woman. In his own image created he them".

 

This sort of thing is precisely why I don't go for organized religion. If you have a thought that varies from what the mainstream goes for, then you are a blasphemer. This is fascinating when you consider the fact that Jesus was hardly "mainstream". He encouraged new ways of thinking and looking at things, but apparently we are only supposed to see things exactly as Jesus did...which is hard since we really have limited info into his psyche. And he died young, so never he had the chance to become bitter and thoroughly disppointed with this experiment called "life".

 

My point here is that we do not have to believe the exact same thing in order to find peace. We don't have to have the same name for our chosen deity to know that we aren't supposed to kill each other, steal from one another and so on. It is perfectly alright for you to love your god your way...but try not to run with the arrogance that you have a lock on all things spiritual and the rest of us are just poor little lost lambs destined for eternal damnation.

 

When I picture the creator as a man, all I see is an absentee father at best...a dead-beat dad at worst (it depends on the day you ask me). The God that I was raised to believe in and pray to left me feeling remarkably alone, abused and abandoned (the three A's). My parents have this amazing faith in their God and he seems to love them very deeply by all accounts. I had faith like that, and I can remember the exact moment that I lost it. I was ten, and a cousin that I had worshipped since I could remember raped me. I was 10 years old and God either couldn't protect me, or chose not to. Neither one of those options worked for me.

 

I would love to have unyeilding faith, but....I have thoughts...I live in the world...and I have a problem with putting my faith into any entity that doesn't seem to accept the consequences of the things that have gone wrong. If it's something good, he takes the glory. If something bad happens then everyone points the finger at the devil (who...by the by...is a pussy) and says "it's the fault of Lucifer". These things do not inspire confidence.

 

I don't expect you to agree with me. I can only look at it from my perspective and my way of reasoning. What I am asking for here is for the world to appreciate the fact that for me, spirituality is personal and private. If it wasn't, then people wouldn't feel so awkward talking about religion with other people. Believe as you must. I will do the same. My father has been beating me over the head with his King James all of my life (figuratively speaking) and I still have my own perspective, which doesn't totally line up with his. And He is not unsettled by this simply because he has no clue. I haven't told him because I respect his beliefs, I don't expect him to change them just because I am not comfortable. Others should show the same courtesy.

 

 

I am bored. I don't mean the typical type of boredom that most of us feel. I mean I am totally uninterested in everything right now. Which, oddly enough, interests me. I want to know what it is that causes us to be bored even when there is plenty going on around you.

 

I have arrived at the conclusion that boredom isn't the lack of having something to do, it's a lack of caring about what you can do. I am just not impressed by much these days. I can't remember that last time I was genuinely impressed by something or someone. Well, that's not entirely true.....I am VERY impressed with my husband's bedroom work. We have been together for 4 years, and the sex is still anything but boring.  My instincts were right about going for older men...they really do know what they are doing...at least mine does.

 

I have had a thing for older men for a while. The last guy I dated before I met my husband was 20 years older than me. My husband is ten perfect years older than I am, which makes him dead sexy to me. I love a specific type of man. Knowledgeable, mature, affectionate, devoted, badass, funny and gentlemanly without being trite or condescending. I totally scored on all fronts with him! And the fact that he finds my oddities and off-beat sense of humor to be soothing is an added bonus.

 

I have no interest in younger men. Or men my age for that matter. The man must be at least 10 years older than me to even turn my head. The only thing a young man can really do for me, is bring me a message from an older man.

 

My preferences in older men shine when I list my favorite actors/characters from TV and Movies.

 

Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman (he was sexy x 1000)

Anthony Stewart Head - Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Tommy Lee Jones - The fugitive

 

I would shag any one of them in a heartbeat. Nothing is sexier than smart and in-charge (without being a shitty little bully).

 

That's the short list...it's a hell of a list really. I'll have to post it sometime. But not right now, because I am too bored.

 

 My point...and I do have one...is that I tend to desire intelligent, tough, wise, slightly sarcastic, strong men, with a vulnerable and caring side...all of that with a couple of dashes of good judgement and open-mndedness. Young men rarely possess more than one of these qualities at a time. Most of them have the openmindedness, but not in a good way. As near as I can tell, they are so openminded that their brains have fallen out. They are so busy trying to seem openminded in hopes that it will open my legs that they tend to go too far and say ignorant shit like, "If you have ever wondered if you were gay, I would be happy to help you test your theory. I'd be glad to watch you and one of your girl friends make out and even help you along." Yes. A guy in a bar actually said that to me. I shit you not.

 

I am totally at a loss as to why I told you guys all of this...no wait. It's because I'm bored, so I am rambling. You know what this place needs???  A tire swing. No clue why. It just seems like one is needed. I never liked tire swings....they hurt my ass. I have never understood why people are all about getting on them when they just hurt your butt.

 

Damn....I have just been sitting here for about 15 minutes staring at the screen and wondering what to write next, and I am blank. I have writer's block....which is fucked considering the fact that I don't believe in writer's block. I don't believe in it, because I don't think it is real. There is no such thing as writer's block, there is just a fear of writing badly....and my brain just went blank again. Well, that's just fucking spiffy. Bloody marvelous. See, got no real topic...so I am writing about having no topic, thereby giving me a topic, so therefore, I do not have writer's block, because it doesn't exist. 

 

Hey, did you know you would have to smoke over 1200 pounds of pot in one sitting for it to be lethal, but you can die from drinking a fifth of 100 proof liquor (depending on your weight)? I am confused as to why pot is illegal and said to be dangerous, but we can buy death in a bottle for under $5. Just a thought.

 

I think this week I am going to go into some Wal-Mart or target stores and buy the oddest assortment of items that I can come up with and see if it freaks out the cashier. You know...like condoms, a jar of mayonaisse, and a bicycle chain...and then ask the cashier if they carry inflatable dolls.

 

The other day, as a joke, I told my husband that when we got home after work, he better be ready because when I came to bed I was going to be wearing my sexiest lingerie and I'd have a live chicken, a jar of strawberry jelly and the vacuum cleaner all set up for a night of lovin'. He just stood there looking at me for a few seconds. He was thinking my list over. Then, I swear to God, he looked me in the eyes and asked "What's the strawberry jelly for?" I fell out laughing, and I am still chuckling about it everytime it comes to mind.  I really do LOVE this man. No matter how goofy I get, he just goes along with me for the ride and plays the game with me. Which is rare.....rare and impressive. HEY! I'm impressed with something! His ability to flip my joke and make it even funnier than the question shows he is sharp, easily adaptable, smart...Yes. I definitely scored with this one.....or it is possible that his response means he is some sort of deviant sexual freak with no clue.  I am going with the first impression.

 

Ok. I have websites to build, people to tease, e-mails to ignore and deep need for something chocolate. I'm outta here kids. Play nice with each other, otherwise you will just have to play with yourself.

 

 

 

 

I entered a poetry contest recently and while I have not been told that I won anything, I was one of  about 30 people who was chosen as "Editor's Choice".  The poem I submitted is below. I wrote it about 7 years ago, but submitted it for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It is being published in an anthology as well as in an editor's choice collection of poems.

 

 

The Caregiver's Condition Sharp, sarcastic, wry and witty. These are the words they use to describe me. Brave, kind, bold and outspoken, And always a caregiver for whomever is broken. I love making others laugh and smile. For strangers, I’m known to get the extra mile. For my friends, I’ll do everything it takes To heal them when I see their hearts break. When hurt blindsides them and nothing’s right I’ll come running in the middle of the night, But some days life won’t let me be happy, And I’m eaten alive by stress and anxiety. I’m sometimes overwhelmed with great depression. Those days come lately in rapid succession. I try to act like I don’t really hurt, But today my back’s raw, I can’t give you my shirt. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, But it’s hard when I’m not doing so well. At times I hurt, I cry and I bleed, And then all I want is a caregiver for me. A. S. Cheshire Copyright ©2007

Let's press pause for a moment and put a hold on this prolitarian stew that I laughingly refer to as "my life". I have been watching people for a long time. I don't just mean "seeing" them, I mean WATCHING. And here is what I have learned about "mankind" and "people".

 

Mankind wants world peace.

People want to kill in order to gain world peace.

 

Mankind wants to grow up, be educated, get a job, and eventually retire.

People want to grow up, party, get paid for doing nothing, and die before they get old, because getting old "sucks".

 

Mankind wants to provide for the starving people in the world.

People get pissed when a beggar asks them for change.

 

Mankind wants to keep the air and earth clean and healthy for future generations.

People drive giant SUVs, smoke, and use and make products that are not kind to the environment.

 

Mankind wants to end littering.

People get pissed when they get fined for throwing trash out of their car window.

 

Mankind believes that life is a gift and should be good for all.

People force others to work 50 hour work weeks and tell them that it is the only way they will succeed in life.

 

Mankind wants to be strong and independent.

People blame everyone else for their shortcomings.

 

Mankind's heart breaks when a child is hurt.

People hurt kids.

 

Mankind wants to be healthy.

People do things that they know will kill them.

 

Mankind takes care of each other when times are tough.

People find ways to kick you while you are down.

 

Mankind wants to find a cure for cancer and AIDs.

People smoke, and have unprotected sex.

 

Mankind enjoys entertainment.

People are entertained by watching others get hurt.

 

Mankind loves to laugh.

People laugh at the expense of others.

 

I could go on forever like this, but I won't. I will finish this with a final thought...or a first one, depending on your view of things...in short...

 

I LOVE MANKIND; IT'S PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND!!!!

As requested, here is my top 10 list of things men should say to a pregnant woman. It's not as funny as the other, but I think it works.

 

10. You are perfection in every way.

9.   Of course you don't look fat!

8.  Sweetie, I am so sorry. I'm an idiot.

7.  No, that combination of foods doesn't sound strange. I like tamales and ice cream.

6.  Ben & Jerry's! or Hagen Daaz! or Baskin Robbins!

5.  Would you like some chocolate? I bought three bags just for you.

4.  Put your feet up while I clean the house. Here's the remote.

3.  It's okay, I like sleeping in the recliner.

2.  I don't need to watch football, this show on childbirth is far more interesting.

1.  While you are in labor, when it hurts, you can squeeze my testicles as hard as you want.

 

My head is full of other people’s memories,

Their pains, sorrows, laughters and joys.

I know their efforts to belong and to please,

Their innocent mistakes and deliberate ploys.

 

I bear witness to their painful truths,

And I know their loves, hurts and hates.

Their lies spoken, so very full of proof,

But I’m no judge and I won’t berate.

 

I’ve seen their bruises, beatings and swirling stars.

I’ve known their gutwrenching cries and pleadings,

Their grief and strife and tender, welted scars.

I’ve compressed their wounds, tried to stop the bleeding.

 

I’ve felt the fist crashing across my face.

I’ve felt my vocal chords shred from screams.

I know the feel of scrubbing away rape,

And I’ve awakened fighting from choking dreams.

 

The memories don’t belong to others.

I’m looking with eyes of honesty

As the realization comes and fully smothers,

I know these are my memories of me.

by River Katt

Top 15 Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife


15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "I finished the Oreos."

12. "Darned if you aren't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."

10. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your own ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy-looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawny."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 

       

 

Politics...always a touchy subject. That and religion....I'll deal with religion at a later time...for now, I am wanting to say a few words about the twats that are often referred to as neo-conservatives. First of all, there is nothing "neo" about them. Neo means new. This shit they are spewing is anything but new! And as for the cluster-fuck that is the war.....OMG.

 

My brother is in Iraq and I love him very dearly and I am afraid for him, which is exactly why I don't support the war. I support the troops, but not the war.

 

 President Shrub is the biggest twat of the bunch.  All he has managed to do is show the world that we aren't the powerhouse we once were, he has majorly divided the nation, and I am sick of ALL of these "know it alls" slamming the people who are trying to make a positive change.

 

 Until the neocons stop being so bloody negative and stop the blame game and own up to the mess they have made, I have nothing to say to them. They got their way, they made a complete mess of it, and now it is time for them to spank their inner-brats and get over it, the thinking people are making a comeback. 

 

VERY few of the people on the political scene are worth a pair of nail clippings and they have made a stunning mess of things. I think we ought to bounce most of them out on their collective ass and start over.

 

If one more neocon tells me that the "forefathers intended" blah blah blah, I will scream. Our forefathers are spinning and flipping in their graves over the crap these guys are pulling. Most of them were deists, pot smoking, cocaine sniffing, free thinkers. The rebelled when the British put a tax on their breakfast beverage! Do you honestly think they would stand for our government paying people not to grow crops, supporting countries that hate us, taxing the poor far more than the rich and major industries being able to buy votes? Do you think they would really allow themselves to be thrown out of the process.....as it has been said before....a government is group of people, usually noticiably UNGOVERNED.

 

I think everything should go to a vote by the people on a state level, then however the people of our state vote, our reps in Washington HAVE to vote the will of the people. Then maybe the actual PEOPLE in this country will get to be in charge of our own destiny. And for once, I would like to enter the poll booth and have something better than a bowl of horseshit and a bowl of cowshit to choose from.

 

 

       I am back in therapy. I was informed in my last session that i have generalized adjustment disorder. Basically, i have problems coping and adapting to changes. Ok. I can go along with that. Interestingly, and not uncommonly, my parents keep becoming a major topic of conversation in my sessions. My issue with my parents is basically that i feel like they don't care about me and they don't really know who I am. I know it is cry baby-ish to do the whole "you never pay attention to me" thing, but this isn't a matter of "mommy didn't put my drawing on the refridgerator". This is a matter of the fact that when i gave birth to my kids, my parents didn't show up. When i went through my divorce i got no help or support from them, emotional or otherwise. Hell, with my first husband, who was a mean SOB, my mother told me she would never speak to me again if i divorced him and reported him to immigration. I told her that if i didn't report the change in marital status, i could end up in trouble, fined and even imprisioned. She told me she would send me cookies in jail. So when i say they don't care, i actually mean that these people don't give a shit.

Now i have tried to hang in there, tried to justify their behaviors, etc....I didn't lose my mind when they didn't even congratulate me when David and i got married. I didn't have a hissy when they didn't call me on thanksgiving. I didn't fall out when they forgot to call me on Christmas. I kept my cool when my father showed up for my first suicide attempt and preached at me for three days and then left--and i haven't seen him or my mother since then,  they have no clue what my spiritual beliefs are, and I don't feel at liberty to tell them because anything contrary to what they believe is blasphemy as far as they are concerned..... I didn't come undone when I was homeless and they didn't help me at all..........but now.....this time.....for the second year in a row......